My daughter is 13. She recently told me that she wants to start her 8th grade year a totally new person. She wasn’t talking about being a new emotional or social person — she’s quite comfortable in who she is (and I am too. She’s a great kid!). She was talking about being a new physical person.
Annie came into this world weighing 10 lbs, 4 oz and has been ahead of the game ever since. Like her parents, she loves food. And like her parents, food loves her back. She’s an emotional eater (gee, wonder where she learned that? Insert guilt here.). She’s an adventurous eater, willing to try almost anything. She loves to cook.
She’s a pretty girl with thick, wavy hair that most women would kill for. But she does carry some extra weight and that’s what she was talking about when she shared her desires with me.
My dilemma is how to help her do it. Any of you who’ve had 13 year olds know they can be a touchy bunch. Saying the wrong thing — or the right thing the wrong way or at the wrong time — can set off a firestorm of anger or a downpour of tears. What you might also know about teenagers is that they don’t think their parents know much, so sharing what I’ve learned about nutrition and exercise might be an uphill battle.
I thought about suggesting she do Weight Watchers with me, but I worry that starting something like that at such an early age is going to set her up for a lifetime of issues with food and weight. I can see her on the therapist’s couch now, “My mother put me on a diet in middle school.”
So, for now, I’ve talked to her about the basics of “calories in, calories out.” I’ve encouraged her to use the elliptical machine in our basement or the Wii Fit. We joined a community center with a workout facility where she can go without a chaperone and I almost always say yes when she asks to meet her friends there. I try to keep the junk food out of the house and gently discourage not-so-wise choices she might make when we go out to eat.
It’s such a delicate dance. I want to support her in what she says she wants. I want her to feel great about her body and what it can do for her. I want to spare her the emotional and physical consequences of a lifetime of eating too much and moving too little. I want her to know she is beautiful and love who she is regardless of what the scale says.
What more can a mom do?
Tags: eating healthy, kids and weight loss, kids' health, teenagers
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Amy,
I appluad you for being sensitive and not jumping into the “you have to diet now” mindframe.
At 13, there is still the potential for SO MUCH change ahead! I knew a gal through theatre who was always a bit heavy set… until the summer she turned 15, I think. In 3 months, she lost all the weight and has kept it off. Part of it was hormone changes, growth spurt, and a dedication to healthy eating. She’s in her 20′s now and is beautiful and healthy and strong.
I would recommend having her talk to a trainer who is also knowledgable about nutrition. I am actually thinking of the trainer I know from my gym- Fiziques. She is so down to earth and real and approachable and has been a huge help to me in my own weight loss and fitness changes. Someone- who isn’t mom- who can talk about healthy choices and finding ways to be more active might be what she needs.
I’m not a fan of putting kids on WW or other diets… even if it is about teaching how to make healthy choices, there is still that “diet” stigma attached and I think that can hurt.
Find someone to talk to, learn together, support each other.
And again- so proud of you for being active and also sensitive about this!
Also- I’d focus less on the weight, size, and shape of her body and focus more on what food choices are made, what activities are chosen.
Personally, my biggest change this time, the thing that has really clicked this into place for me, is choosing a physical goal of running a 5K. If I sat down and decided I want to lose 50 pounds… I think I’d just feel overwhelmed, would be focused on the numbers on the scale, and would eventually give up- like I’ve always done before.
Is there a sport she wants to play? An activity she wants to conquer? Is there something the 2 of you can train for together (Can a 13 year old do the Go Girl Triathlon?)?
Amy,
It is definitely a delicate balance at the young age of 13. Did she ask you specifically for help or just for support? I would say that if she’s just asking for *support* to give her all the resources she needs and then to step back and let her take the initiative, without any judgment or prodding. That way, she can own the changes she makes in her life and can do as much or as little as she is truly comfortable with. I think it’s great that she can go to the community center. What a supportive thing you’re doing for her! Also, things like making sure she has good shoes, workout clothes, lots of fresh produce in the house, etc. I wouldn’t necessarily discourage or ban the not-so-good stuff though, or she may feel deprived and go nuts with it when she gets her hands on it. lol. Encourage her by letting her know that she is gorgeous at any size and that her body is worth being taken care of and cherished. If she makes changes because she loves herself and her body, she will go farther than if she is working off of a negative motivation of thinking that she’ll feel better about herself if she’s skinny. She may, but lots of people find that when they lose weight they struggle with confidence just as much as when they were heavier. So, if she’s doing it out of self love and it’s self-driven and you’re supporting her while letting her take the initiative, I think she’ll win.
Latch onto her love of cooking. Encourage her to do research on healthy choices, to find recipes and resources — library, online, bookstore — anywhere and everywhere she happens to be. Maybe she’d like to take photos of everything she eats — there are websites just for people who do this, where they share their pics!
Encourage her to be just as adventurous with finding ways to get moving. If one activity doesn’t inspire her, move on to another. She could even simply start by committing to a 20 minute brisk walk at least three times per week — with you or with a friend, or even talking to a friend on the phone. She could wear a pedometer and journal how many steps she takes each day, and how she feels each day.
Be on the journey with her, to whatever degree she would like you to be. Tell her she’s helping YOU get healthier, too!
And don’t sweat the drama too much. I say this as a mom of a 10yo dd who tends to excel in this department
For some kids, this is how they share their feelings and release stress. I’m also the mom of a 13yo ds who rarely shows any emotion at all — and it leaves me wondering where he really is sometimes, KWIM?
So if what you say or do trips a landmine, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you said the wrong thing — just means that you hit a nerve. She just needs to be reminded 1) of your unconditional love — that you would never say anything with the intent of hurting her feelings; and 2) that her venting needs boundaries, b/c you are a real person with real feelings, too.
Hey Amy,
It also occurred to me this morning (not sure why I didn’t think of it yesterday. lol.) that if she is an emotional eater, one of the biggest things she’ll need is new ways to cope with her emotions. When I’m working with clients, one of the things that I do is encourage them to keep a food and feelings journal where they write down how they’re feeling before they eat, while they’re eating and after they’re done eating, along with whether or not they were truly hungry when they ate and stopped when they were full. I don’t have them write down the actual foods, just the emotional and hunger cues. When we see a pattern in emotions, we work on learning new ways to handle emotions like excitement, anger, fear and sadness. When people have healthier alternatives for dealing with their feelings, they don’t feel so out of control if they decide not to eat when they feel them. Even though you really, really want to help your daughter, this may not be something that you can do as your daughter’s mom. Many people need a neutral third party in order to be completely honest in the journal. Perhaps finding a psychologist or pastoral counselor near you that specializes in eating disorders could help your daughter to get the emotional foundation she needs for positive change. It has to be something she wants, though, so if you decide to propose the suggestion and she resists, wait until she’s ready or she may resist making positive changes for even longer or take it as an assault on who she is as a person (not feeling good enough, etc).
You ladies are so wise and so kind to give such well-thought feedback.
Liz, she’s not so keen on doing activities with me, but I have talked to some friends about doing a mother/daughter walking club on Saturdays — or even just one Saturday a month. Maybe this summer would be a good time to put that talk into action.
Anne, your question of “does she want help or support” is a great one and one that I didn’t think to ask. I’m naturally a jump-in-and-help kind of gal that doing so is my default. But I really need to talk to her and see what she wants/needs from me.
Kris, reminding her of 1 & 2 is a great idea, for her and for me.
Amy, It is a delicate balance. I think that you are making steps in the right direction. I was 14 when my parents sent me to a Dietian and they put me on a Point System similar to what Weight Watchers uses now. I eventually lost 30 pounds and got to my goal weight. However, I still struggled with my weight as an adult, putting on college weight and taking it off again to my goal weight and later putting on weight when I was a working adult and I am now taking that off. The good thing about learning the Point System early in life is that I have been able to use it throughout my life and I am currently losing to where I have taken off 100 pounds in the last 3 years. I keep a daily food journal and know the Point value of practially every food I eat. I have more to go to reach my goal, however, I am confident that I will do so with the help of my Dietian this time. So, my recommendation is that you do consider taking your daughter with you to Weight Watchers if you think she would enjoy it because I think that the skills that she learns there now with you she can use now and throughout her life. You of course may want to go to a center where there are more people her age if possible. The best of luck to you and your daughter! Take care!
Brenda
Amy – I have never had a daughter sooooo… I think the only thing we can do is lead by example..She will see you leading the healthy lifestyle and if she wants this she will follow.
Not much more you can do with all the exercise — except maybe when you are both together you can walk instead of ride – take stairs instead of escalator/elevator…. or just go for a walk early evening together -girl time. I know when I walked with my sister early evenings over the summer we lost lots of pounds.
Have you tried no colas in the house?.. replacing it with water- flavored water or your own homemade drinks with yogurt fresh fruits ice and ground flax seed -it is the best.
Try these things and suggest she do some reading from the library –what ever you do – no diets I think we have to have a lifestyle change.
Maybe suggest sparks teens too .. it might be a help..
good luck my dear!
Brenda – I have started sharing points information with her and she seems receptive. So even if we don’t do a formal WW, she is open to being aware of what food “costs” in terms of a daily calorie budget.
Joanne – I didn’t know there was a Spark Teens. I might suggest that to her!
Wow! Good for Annie for wanting to get healthy at such an early age! She’ll benefit later in life if she can continue on her path.
It sounds like you’ve really been doing everything right in helping her, too. Encouragement and giving her healthy options is a wonderful way to support her & help strengthen that commitment. Something else, that you may already be doing, is just be a great example for her.
I started exercising & wanted to be generally healthy at the same age as Annie. My mom was so supportive, doing many of the same things you’re doing. She also took a big role & interest in my interest in health. We exercised together (and had a great time), discussed healthy food options and then cooked them together. It made a big impact on me (I’m now a personal trainer!), built my confidence and really drew my closer to my mom.
I encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing and Annie will succeed in her quest for being a ‘totally new person’! Keep us posted…
Wow what a difficult situation. My daughter is only 7 months old so I really don’t have first hand knowledge for you but I love the idea of encouraging her to use your exercise machines and the Wii Fit.
What about having her cook with you so she sees exactly what she is eating and what is good for her. She will also learn that you completely support her this way. Take her to the grocery store to, maybe even a farmers market to have her help pick out healthy things to eat.
Why not as a family exercise together. I’m not talking about running a mile, but what about bike rides, maybe go to the canal and do the pedal boats, walk around downtown, etc. If the whole family is doing it she might not feel like she is on a “diet”.
Good luck and let us know how you do.
Danielle
Amy,
You are right about calories in and calories out. I would get her eating whole foods, veggies, fruit beans, fish and chicken. It is not a diet but a way of life. Something the whole family can enjoy.
And she doesn’t have to go on a crazy exercise routine, just going for a long walk will help at her age.
Good luck and keep up the good work!
Nancy – Summer is a great time to really focus on whole foods, isn’t it. Our budget has been tight lately and unfortunately, that means that more processed junk ends up in the grocery cart because it’s cheap. I really need to re-double my efforts to keep my fridge (fresh foods) more full than my pantry (processed stuff).
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